Texas Moms

Texas moms, God bless 'em. .....so colorful, so unusual.....I attend a bazillion school, social, and neighborhood functions with my kids - sports events, plays, festivals, carnivals, volunteer as class reading mom, volunteer work day, class parties, concerts, family picnics, summer camps , teacher-appreciation-luncheons and, the ubiquitous"invite-the-entire-class" birthday party - just this past weekend we had THREE of them - all at the skating rink or bowling alley or gymnastics or ice-skating or Main Event or Chuck E Cheese, horseback riding or with a clown or a pony- and all have the same kids opening all the same gifts and the same parents standing around gossiping and everyone eating pizza and chocolate cake.

My husband and I attend these parties along with that rare bird, the Texas mom. You don't see this species in New Jersey, California, NY, or Washington DC. , or any other place that I have lived . (Granted, they have other species there - took me months to figure out exactly what a guido/guidette were). But here in Texas , you have your basic types, all easily distinguished by the type of vehicle they drive and the way they dress :

I swear to God I am not making this up- I saw all of these this past weekend , and it struck me as kind of funny (see if you can guess which one I am-a bit of one, some of another......)

1)The North Dallas Special - Your basic and most commonly found species. Often, but not always, a stay-at-home mom. Bleached blond hair with lovely streaks - it takes a real artist and an expensive salon to get them just so, either puffy or pulled back in a cute ponytail. Always well- groomed, manicured nails (bright red or French manicure), perfect teeth, tanned, slim, and perky. Drives some kind of huge SUV. The wealthier ones drive Lexus, Mercedes and Range Rover SUV's - the more middle class ones drive Suburbans. Like Barbie, she comes with "costumes", depending on what mood she is in this day : 1)"I just came from tennis"(cute little outfit, tanned legs, no sweat, full-makeup, lots of big diamond jewelry, i.e.tennis bracelet), 2)"I just came from the gym"(silk matching windbreaker sweat suit, lots of gold jewelry, full makeup, no sweat), 3)"I'm the All-American mom"(designer jeans, tight little t-shirt exposing those perfect C-cup firm forever-young plastic-surgery titties, full make-up, lots of jewelry , and cute touches like hair bows or socks that invariably match her daughter's. Cell phone in pocket. Knows all the gossip about everyone and who is a good plumber/mechanic/piano teacher, etc. Takes her kid to eat at Chili's or Outback b/c she thinks it is hip.Thinks her child needs tumbling/gymnastics/dance lessons.

1)b) North Dallas Subtype, "The New Orleans Hooker" Mom- Not as many of these, but outstanding due to their unusual plumage . This type wears lots of leopard prints, fur, heavy make-up, garish eye-shadow/lipstick, big jewelry (tennis bracelet with rocks the size of marbles), and puts together skanky outfits like black tights (no pants, short or skirt), fur vest that does not cover butt, spike-heeled shoes and puffy bouffant hair. Often dresses 6 year old daughter exactly the same. Drives the largest SUV with monster-truck wheels. Shows up in this costume at 10 am on a Saturday morning for a four year old's birthday party involving Hobo the Clown. Looks around nervously to see if dads are noticing. The dads all stand in a cluster, pretending to ignore her, talking about sports, so their wives won't yell at them later.

2) The Career/ Professional Working Mom - Lots of these around, too. Thin or chubby (no time to work out), tired, haggard. Bad skin. Make-up wore off 6 hours ago. May or may not drive a luxury sedan or else a sensible car like a Toyota. Takes kids to eat at McD's, or orders pizza, or Black Eyed Pea when feeling guilty, b/c it has vegetables. Cell phone and palm pilot in briefcase, expensive neutral purse, sensible shoes, sensible watch, pager, etc. Often wears drab suits. Minimal jewelry. Misses everything at school and knows no one. Often, the husband does the stuff at school, the mom is a phantom. Seen in her car to and from everywhere, cramming in the french fries and talking on the cell phone.Thinks her child needs computer and music lessons and to play a team sport like soccer.

3)The Artsy Mom - Similar to # 2, but wears a lot of black, a lot of leather, and has spiky short hair and large funky silver-colorful earrings. Wears Dr. Martens. Either drives a lime VW Beetle or a black Saab or Miata convertible. Cell phone with a funky colored face plate.Brings her own personal sushi chef to the school cultural heritage festival. Often owns own business or works weird hours, so she volunteers a lot at school. When her kid is in the school play, orders a real pair of leiderhosen for him from Germany. Seen in restaurants, grocery stores, movies, etc, constantly talking on the cell phone. Thinks her child needs martial arts lessons.

4)In a town with universities, we also have The Collegiate /Educator Mom. Short no-fuss hair, little to no make-up. Slightly funky clothes but not as funky as #3. Can dress up (Peruvian hand knit sweater, Balinese Batik dress) , or down (jeans and a sweatshirt). Can be a real slob on occasion and does not care if having a bad hair day. Chubby or thin. Cheap purse, no purse, fanny pack or backpack. Wears Birkenstocks , sneakers, clogs, or sandals. Jewelry is either a macaroni necklace painted in primary colors by her child or a hand crafted native design she got on vacation in some 3rd world country.Uses palm pilot and computer more than a cell phone. Drives a minivan, conversion van , station wagon or sensible car like a Toyota or a really "out there" car like an orange 69 Karmen Ghia. Orders Chinese take-out. Thinks her child needs music, art, and foreign language lessons (the kid is already fluent on the computer). Has a fish symbol with little feet that says "Darwin" on the back of her car.

5)The Lesbian mother pair (several kids at my kids' school have two moms). Very short hair, often with a little braided rat tail or fringe in the back. No make-up. Either tall and thin or short and fat but whatever, both partners will look like each other. Both partners work, but both have some kind of flex schedule so they can both volunteer and spend lots of time at school and go every where together. Wear jeans and vague sort of LLBean outdoor gear type clothes .Drive pick-up trucks or fire red Jeeps with bumper stickers that say things like "Mabel Peabody's Beauty Parlor and Chainsaw Repair" with a picture of a rainbow. Wear silver jewelry with purple triangles (earrings,wedding rings, etc.) Take their daughters or sons to eat at The Texican Grill , think their kids need to study theatre.

6)The Fundamentalist Christian Mom - Often, slightly over weight. Wears cute country style clothes, little patchwork vests, t-shirts, jean skirts, etc with flowers and angels and cute sayings on them. Drives a minivan. Long or short hair, sweetly styled with puffy elements, lite make-up. Does not work. Volunteers constantly and can be found running the school bake sale or spring carnival. Knows everybody in town and is the nicest, sweetest person you ever met. Does not drink alcohol. Voracious garage sales and Christian book store shopper. Watches Oprah, but always feels compelled to say, "I like her, even though she is Black." When you have a conversation with her about anything, she will invariably go into her personal religious beliefs and tell you how to live your life accordingly. Plays soft Christian rock on the radio .Carries her Bible with her everywhere in a little "Bible bag" that is specially designed (pictures of angels or Noah's ark) and sort of resembles a purse . Has a fish symbol on the back of her car and a bumper sticker that says "In case of Rapture, this car will be unmanned".