WIFE/ MOM FOR RENT : $50 / hour min 2 hours to start
Are you living in a dusty shabby covered in lint or dog hair slightly out of date man cave? Do you come home to your empty bachelor pad from work each day and eat pizza - again - while looking at that dead plant in the window? Are your sheets and towels gray and scratchy? Does your apt smell like old gym socks? Is all your furniture beige, with stains? Nothing but beer in the fridge?
Services provided: This is not a sex thing. I am not a maid. Be prepared to spend some money.
Cleaning - I will find an inexpensive maid for you, wherever you live, and hire her to come as often as needed. You will pay the bills.
Cooking - I will teach you how to grocery shop, teach you how to cook, and make a half dozen tasty meals, of your own menu choice, then freeze them for you in individual size portions. I will show you how to stock your fridge and manage a budget and food rotation.
Decorating - No flowers, just nice manly simplicity, I promise. We will reconfigure your apt tastefully, together, and remove the beer art, girlie pix, painting you found in the trash, etc. You can keep one Ikea object, the rest have to go. Hello, West Elm.
Housekeeping - I will stock your home with sheets, towels, dishes, soaps, cleaning products, appliances large and small, assorted necessary items you miss from home but never knew you needed, etc, so you can stop living like an animal. Little touches - We will confer together on your sense of “style”, and discuss what else is needed.
Instead of “Queer eye for the straight guy” it’s “Female eye for the young person of either gender” aka How to Adult. As an added bonus, for a limited time only, I also offer: How to sew on a button and how to iron a dress shirt.
Act now and receive this offer: More lessons in “How to adult”, including:
* How to speak on the phone
* How to speak to other adults in a work setting
* Interview skills
* How to ask for something
* How to say NO