2/15/2009

The Man Tent

Every year around this time, GFT cannot help but chuckle to herself as "the man tent" appears at the local Kroger grocery store parking lot. Millions of similar structures suddenly arise all across America. You could say they suddenly pop up, pressing against the seams of society, as the proximity to that great romantic holiday, Valentine' s Day, approaches. The man tent, you see, is erected, (please excuse me the occasional pun, the possibilities here are just too good to let pass ) as it were, for all those hapless chaps who know they need to purchase a Valentine's Day gift for their beloved, but just can't bring themselves to step inside an actual store and purchase one. GFT knows that shopping is something most men abhor, and her own hubster, true to fashion, would rather have his nails pulled out than visit the local mall. Hence the growth of the man tent, a brilliant marketing ploy.

The man tent was the invention of a brilliant marketing manager somewhere along the way, a man no doubt, who observed that it is obviously too difficult a task for men to actually park the car and go into a store to buy the usual requisite flowers, candy, cards, cheesy stuffed animals, etc. By coming up with the idea of placing a large tent in the parking lot, men could be assured that their maniless was not challenged in any way, as they go about their twice or thrice yearly(Christmas ? birthdays ? ) ritual acts of shopping for the woman in their lives. Furthermore, by driving up to the tent, leaving the car idling with the door ajar and the keys in the ignition, men get the thrill of not having to deal with the lines of random other customers slowing a man down, clogging up the register lanes with their silly purchases of milk,cigarettes and groceries. The men on a mission for VD gifts must complete his mission with a minimum of fuss and time. To spend any longer than absolutely necessary would drastically increase the embarrassment quotient of said men, and that we just can't have.

It has taken the hubster only 15 years to learn that it is far easier to please the ole' ball and chain on VD than to spite her. The good will incurred by Doing The Right Thing lasts for months......the fury incurred by not doing the right thing, lasts......FOREVER. GFT has only a few simple requirements, all quickly and easily satisfied by the clever man with a credit card : dinner out at a nice restaurant, flowers, candy ( drugstore brands won't suffice) and a gift. A nice gift. Really, was that so hard ?






2/09/2009

Handy Parenting Tips

The world is in such a state of turmoil these days, it is no wonder that modern parents have no idea how to raise their children. Should little Johnny take Tai Kwon Do, Judo, or Karate classes ? Should I enroll Suzy in a Montessori program, or does that smack of elitism ? Would it thwart little Videlia's sensibilities if I told her to stop pinching her baby brother ? Isn't potty training just another form of oppression by "the man" ? I want my little Ashley to be a vegan, but worry that breast-feeding her would taint this by exposing her to an animal based by-product. I want to personally select each teacher my student has for his entire academic career, based on my own personal perception of who is a "good" teacher ( informed entirely by local gossip) but am not sure how to tell the school officials of my choices. My little Jason just practices and practices his violin, for hours each day, but seems to have no natural talent in music. He also hates it. What should I do about it ? You can see that the number of issues parents face, each full of dire consequences for their offspring, grows exponentially. What is a modern parent to do ?
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There are those who turn to parenting manuals for guidance. There are those who ask their friends, neighbors and relatives for advice. The one thing I have noticed, no matter which camp one tends to fall into, is that only one thing is for certain : These people will ignore whatever advice they are given, whether from a respected source such as Dr Spock, a trusted friend who has successfully raised children, or a popular manual that is on the best seller list. These people will continue to make ridiculous choices, and proudly flaunt them as evidence of something (just what exactly, escapes me ; their own creativity ? laziness ? strength in the face of adversity?). To illustrate my point of view, I present several real-life scenarios taken from friends/co-workers/relatives of mine:
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1)"Elvira" * has a son, five years old. This son has not successfully been potty trained yet , because Elvira never really wanted to deal with all that hassle and mess. She also has difficulty saying "no" to him, or suggesting that he do anything, really. So Elvira's son, "Braxton" continues to mess up his pants at daycare, and poops on the floor of his room, in the backyard, in the car, etc. Elvira spends lots of money on gadgets and gizmos, like "pee-pee" targets for the toilet, instead of taking a couple of days to teach her son what to do, and what not to do. The daycare keeps threatening to un-enroll him if this situation isn't successfully resolved, soon....and next year he starts first grade. I remember 1st grade, and a little boy who pooped in his pants each day. No one wanted to sit by him, b/c he smelled really bad. What do you think is in Braxton's future ? Elvira bemoans this situation on a frequent basis to friends, family, and co-workers. It is clear from her comments that she somehow hoped the daycare or the grand-parents would take care of this situation for her. Yet time continues to pass, with the situation unresolved. Do you think little Braxton will magically decide to poop in the potty someday, all on his own ?
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2)"Fred" and "Ethel" * have a daughter, "Allison" *, who is two and a half years old. Although they come from a wealthy, educated, professional family, Fred and Ethel have unusual notions of parenting. Their daughter Allison still does not speak a single word, because her mother follows her around 24/7, anticipating her every single wish and taking care of it, so she never has to ask for a cookie; instead one appears magically in her hand. Allison is not allowed to ever watch tv, not even "Sesame Street", because it might corrupt her little mind. Allison only recently started walking, because her mother never put her down, ever, until the past couple of months. She carried her every single moment she was awake. Yet in spite of what seems to be a situation of hyper-vigilance on the mother's part, Fred and Ethel have made the decision that they will put Allison to bed each night at 6 pm, no matter how tired, or not, little Allison is. This is because Fred and Ethel want to continue to dine, for the rest of their lives, sans children. Instead of using the traditional British method of ensuring this goal - hiring a nanny, and sending the children off to the nursery to dine with Mary Poppins - Fred and Ethel have built a giant baby-gate that covers the doorway of little Allison's room. So each night, they put Allison "to bed", and she pops up immediately, goes to the gate that blocks her doorway, and cries piteously to be let out......while mummy and daddy dine in the other room. This goes on for hours. Repeated family interventions have not impressed upon Fred and Ethel that little Allison will never be socialized to behave with adults in this manner, and that this form of behavior is, in fact, abusive. Fred and Ethel have been signed up for parenting classes, given numerous popular parenting manuals, all to no avail. They also have no exit strategy for this process - what will they do when Allison is old enough to take down the baby gate, but wants to eat on the floor with her fingers b/c they have never taught her otherwise ?
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3)"Billy" and "Bobby" *, brothers, decided the other day while their mother "Janice"* was careering down the highway at 70 mpg, to unbuckle themselves from their seat belts and climb around inside the car, playing, throwing things, and smacking each other with toys. Unsure of what, exactly, to do, Janice kept driving till she got to school and dropped the boys off. That night, their daddy "Mike" took them to McDonald's and let them play in the bounce house, because mom was so tired and stressed out from the hectic day she just had with those mis-behaving kids. Now I don't know about you, but had my kids done this - and in fact, they probably did, I just don't remember it - they would have only done it once. You know why ? I would have stopped the car immediately, pulling over to the side of the road as soon as I could do so safely, yanked each kid by the arm until I could get a firm grip on him, and spanked him thoroughly. It is not "P.C" to admit to spanking kids anymore, but there are times I feel it is justified, if not over-done, and this is one of them. I'd have thrown in some good psychotic screaming, as well, (I'm a big fan of the mental anguish caused by hearing the phrase, " Just wait till your father hears about this ! "), and sent them to their rooms when they got home that night - certainly never have rewarded them with a trip to McDonald's for behaving that way. My kids would have known exactly what they did that was wrong, and what would happen to them if they ever did it again.
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These situations, and so many more, are ones I hear people talking about every day. I don't claim to have a lock on the world's most perfect kids - lord knows mine have caused hubster and myself plenty o' stress, over the years, and will probably continue to do so , as we navigate these tricky teens years with them. I will tell you what I think has helped me immensely, as I have raised my children : whenever someone, be it family member or friend, has given me a good piece of advice on how to resolve a particular problem of child-rearing: I have taken it. So much thanks goes to Carolyn, Adriene, Martha, Becky, Debbie and Carol, especially, who offered me useful ideas just when I needed them the most. I tried what you suggested, and it worked. I can never thank you enough.
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* All names have been changed to protect the guilty

2/07/2009

Independent Bookstores

If I'm not careful here, this blog is going to turn into some less funnier version of "Stuff White People Like" ( if you don't know what I'm talking about, just google that and you will soon know what I mean) but since many of my posts are devoted to books and reading, I might as well get this one out of the way. OF COURSE I love bookstores of all kinds, and am not one of these Luddites who complain about the Internet and kindle and all that .......(oh, wait, yes I did!) Without amazon, I couldn't find half the really obscure stuff I look for on any given day. But it must be noted that bricks and mortar bookstores, especially independently owned ones, serve special functions that Internet shopping sites can never fulfill. I make it a point to check out everything from the mom-and-pops to the really famous ones ( such as The Strand in NYC, City Lights in San Francisco,The Bodhi Tree in West LA) everywhere I go.
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Independent bookstores create collections with depth and breath, each famous for it's own specialties, and usually have knowledgeable staff that can guide and enlighten the book browser in ways an Internet browser never can. Do you ever wonder about those "recommendations" that pop up when you shop at amazon? I find myself having weird little conversations ( with myself, of course) about who the heck actually bought some of the stuff that is "recommended to me" or "other people who bought what you are buying also bought these" based on my purchasing patterns. Whatever algorithm is used, it rarely suggests something I would ever want. I often wonder, are there truly people who bought these ? Or is this just a totally fictional marketing strategy,based on junk they need to unload ? If so, it fails here because if you tell me someone else bought/did it, I'm the kind of person who will do the opposite. That's just the kind of gal I am.
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So, back to topic: Two of my favorite bookstores are right here in Texas (and on the web if a real life in-person visit is impossible) .Both have helpful friendly staff who will find something for you and mail it to you, if need be.
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Murder By the Book
in Houston Tx specializes in just one area : mystery and detective (and spy, espionage, thriller, suspense, etc) fiction. The collection is vast and deep within this genre, with both modern best sellers, rare collectors editions, and vintage out of print, even international tomes. The store owners and staff are extremely knowledgeable; just visiting this store is a pleasant experience due to the wood shelving, oriental rugs, leather arm chairs, cat in the corner. Author nights with book chats and autographing sessions are a regular feature. They put out their own little newsletter, available online or by snail mail, with book reviews and news of upcoming events. It is the quintessential manifestation of every book lovers ideal bookstore experience.
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Recycled Books
in Denton, TX is a vast space filled to the brim with cast-offs from years of college students ( fed by nearby TWU and UNT) and old college professors who die and their snot-nosed grown children don't want all their books so they sell them for pennies on the dollar to RB. Those kids' losses are your gain, for the selections here are not cheezy airport kiosk best-sellers. There is incredible depth and even rare collectibles in areas professors love to buy : art and music, history, literature, cooking, travel, philosophy/religion, science, and even children's books. Prepare to spend an afternoon browsing and even while prices are great (cheap) you will find yourself spending far more than you intend, the selection is that good.