6/30/2011

Honest Bob's Dating Services

I often watch those ads for dating services that fill late night television airwaves, the ones that promise to "help you find your one abiding love based on 17 compatibility points from deep components of your true personality", and wonder..... if hubster and I were to go on those websites and fill out profiles.....would we be matched with each other? In spite of (what seems to outsiders) our near perpetual squabbling, we think we get along rather well - better with each passing year. I have friends who have tried those dating websites and their services, and nearly all have said the matches that turned up for them were horrible in a variety of ways: potential dates didn't use a recent photo, misrepresented their true natures, interests, level of education, age, socio-economic or educational background, desires or intentions, etc. So I thought to myself, if we had to honestly write descriptions of ourselves, this is how they would read.....
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Kevin Spacey Look-a-like !

Charming debonair college professor who looked a little like Kevin Spacey (for one brief moment in my 30's) seeks beautiful educated self-confident woman who can tolerate my incessant talking, severe ADHD, toxic flatulence, crankiness, arrogance, low income stream, long work hours, interfering relatives, viscous bodily secretions, twice daily workouts and a house full of exercise equipment. From a military family, grandfather a U.S. Congressman, I am a world traveler who enjoys peculiar eating habits (no vegetables of any kind, only eat 3 diff meals in rotation, spends 25% of year on "death diet", refuses to eat out any cuisine other than Tex-Mex), long conversations about engineering technicalities, vacations with my mother and other family members, driving "classic" cars (vehicles older than 17 years, typically with at least one major quarter panel dented or secured with duct tape and baling wire), exciting hobbies such as beer brewing, sleeping only 3-4 hours a night (what that really means is I will prowl around the house, knocking things over, watching tv loudly, turning lights on and off, and keeping you awake !) I took 11 years to earn my PHD bc the life of a poor grad student was so much fun, and I will apply those lifelong values of not needing new clothes or furniture minus bong water stains to your future living room ! Call me !
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Going, going, going....Gone with the Girl of Your Dreams !

Adorable girl of your dreams who briefly looked like Scarlett O'Hara only a few years back seeks sugar daddy who can spoil me just like Rhett spoiled Scarlett. Educated, world traveled, well- read DAR OES DRT DOC, guaranteed to provide beauty and intelligence to your gene pool. My father was a lawyer and an engineer, my mother was a southern belle (at least in her own mind.) Currently I've gained a little weight, had a few expensive health problems, and am a high maintenance (who thinks she's low maintenance) demanding cranky dysthymic over worked underpaid high school English teacher who "enjoys" reading books, grading papers, eating out, going to the movies, socializing, exotic travel, frequent gifts, days at the spa, shopping and a constant stream of home repair and redecorating. Just a wee bit of mental illness in my family background but your future children are sure to be "normal". Known for my vibrant sense of humor, I will constantly pop, like a pin stuck in a balloon, any delusions you may have about yourself with my scathing wit and adorable bon mots. Call me !

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