Dear GirlFromTexas

People ask me the most random things......Serves me right for being such a smarty-pants know-it-all. On a social media conversation about food and recipes the other day, an old childhood friend I’d not heard from in years interrupts with the following question :

Friend: My cell is XXX-XXX-XXXX.  Please text me. I  have an urgent art related question.

Lots of back and forth ensued, with me asking obscure humorous questions to determine if this really was my old friend, or a trolling Ukrainian bot. Once settled that this, in fact, was my old friend, the conversation proceeded like this:

GFT: Is there ever, truly, an urgent art question that cannot be answered via google search?

Friend: An aunt had a portrait hanging in her house which officially is mine.  We went Saturday to retrieve it since she is down-sizing.  It is from 1846 and is of my 3G grandfather or his brother.   It has a 3" slit and two puncture holes.  Additionally it needs to be cleaned and stabilized.  Do you or your teacher know a restorer who won't cost an arm and a leg?  It is about 42"x35" framed.

GFT: I am sorry, I do not personally know of any art / painting restoration experts. You could try asking around at local antiques dealers, art clubs/groups/societies, art stores (my dad used to hang out at someplace in Dallas called “Mr J’s” and met all types of other painters and art folk there), profs at universities w art departments, or museums - where you live (or a nearby big city). Maybe google search “painting restoration ______(where you live)?” Or “how to repair/clean antique painting”. All of the art teachers I have studied with live out of state.

Meanwhile, everyone else on the post kept talking about food and recipes like nothing happened.

It is unfortunate that this is all I was able to offer, but I’m not, sadly, the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Then there are the questions I get from other amazon customers, based on purchases I’ve made on amazon.....This really is troublesome, because I don’t like my purchases made public. Early on, I rated my purchases, but then stopped, hoping to quell the queries. It didn’t help.

For example, I bought some cheap art hobby paint brushes. I then received an email with this question:

   Q: When are these brushes made and what are the materials are used in the handle? 
My answer: Read the product description, dude. I’m not your mother.

Awhile back, I bought an inexpensive stainless flatware set (knives forks, and spoons) for one of my sons. Shortly after, I got this email : 

   Q: Do the spoons pass “the ice cream test”? 

My answer : First, I am not sure of the qualifying conditions under which your hypothesis exists. Do you mean : Can I use these to eat ice cream? Or do you mean, Are these sturdy enough to eat ice cream? Once again, variables must be categorized : Yes, they are suitable and sturdy enough to eat ice cream - from a bowl. Do you mean : Eat ice cream straight outta the carton? What am I, an animal? Again, so many variables: Just how cold is your freezer? How long has your ice cream been frozen? What is the external temperature of the room in which you are eating the ice cream? How long has the carton of ice cream been sitting out? Does the ice cream contain chunky solids, such as candy? What is the high fat ratio of the ice cream ? (I have found sherbet easier to dig out than high fat ice cream, which is oddly easier to dig out than ice milk or low fat ice cream....) You see how I can’t just simply answer this question? 

    Q: Does this shower gel work on oily hair? 
My answer : Well, it’s a shower gel, not a shampoo, so......Hey, what hair are you referring to? 😜

    Q: Does this (non food) product contain olive oil? 
My answer : Read the label, it’s visible on the product photo......Why is this suddenly my job? Why can’t you figure this out for yourself? Why am I in charge? Why do you leave it to strangers on the internet to tell you things? Do you know how many times I had to repeat “READ THE DIRECTIONS” to approximately 200 high school students per year  x 31 years of teaching (Hint: more than once per student per day)