Thunderdome 2021: Thoughts on the Whole Gun Control, Cops Killing African Americans, and more

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/gun-owners-in-texas-cast-a-wary-eye-on-gun-control-debate

https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/956177021/fatal-police-shootings-of-unarmed-black-people-reveal-troubling-patterns

https://interactive.aljazeera.com/aje/2020/know-their-names/index.html

I’m not gonna rant about the rightness or wrongness of gun control, police killing unarmed black males, whatever “the hell is wrong with this country” du jour. Like many a sixth generation Texan, I am conflicted. My own home has guns, an arsenal inherited from a militaristic grandfather, locked in a safe, that I wish we didn’t have. Hubs, who can’t let them go, also can’t be bothered to maintain them, so they are all 50-100 years old and rusty. Don’t fire well, if you catch my meaning. Kind like the men who own them. 

I grew up hunting and shooting, rifles mostly, and would like to someday take a gun safety and training course, just for personal interest. One of those female empowerment things.

But that is not this. This is my rant on the situation we find ourselves in, after a year plus of quarantine lockdown due to Covid.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/15/health/coronavirus-suicide-cdc.html?referringSource=articleShare

https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/suicide-data

I mean, hell yes, we have a gun control problem in this country. We have a mental health care (and lack of overall general healthcare) problem in this country, too. When unions were broken up, workers were left feeling like no one looked out for them, and that is true. But there’s an unspoken missing piece to all this....not just “toxic masculinity” (although you never hear it’s a woman on a shooting rampage), maybe “broken masculinity” is the better phrase...... men don’t know how to “be” anymore, and that includes finding a less destructive outlet for rage. Idk why kill all the random people standing by? I *almost* could understand if some guy killed the authority figure or the one person he was angry with (not sympathize, just understand) - but why kill innocent bystanders too? Sure, I’ve had revenge fantasies re several old bosses.....but just move on, “living well is the best revenge” as F.Scott Fitzgerald once wrote. The real issue is not only the easy availability of guns in this country, but our lack of mental health resources and social safety net. I get scared when I think about the GOPs re agenda for this nation, since JFK.... Makes those ole robber barons of the late 19th century seem tame. And by systemically destroying our educational system, we have masses who can’t think for themselves, struggle with the day to day, can’t see beyond their nose - just like the 21st century robber barons want them to be. Our social institutions have crumbled.... as intended. Education, healthcare, infrastructure - who cares? Policing is where the rubber meets the road.

https://www.npr.org/2019/10/13/769891781/fort-worth-officer-kills-woman-in-her-bedroom-in-response-to-open-structure-call

https://abcnews.go.com/US/death-innocent-man-timeline-wrong-apartment-murder-trial/story?id=65938727

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/may/14/breonna-taylor-louisville-police-shooting-kentucky

https://www.reuters.com/world/us/chicago-release-video-police-shooting-13-year-old-boy-2021-04-15/

https://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2013/jul/15/skittles-trayvon-martin-zimmerman-acquittal

https://www.nytimes.com/live/2021/derek-chauvin-trial-explained?referringSource=articleShare

https://news.northeastern.edu/2020/07/16/the-research-is-clear-white-people-are-not-more-likely-than-black-people-to-be-killed-by-police/

It’s like Thunderdome out there..... And the cops, to me, are scarier than the perps

Cops, drs and nurses, and teachers - we are all on the front lines of dealing w humanity at its worst, every single day. Each of us responds to that challenge in different ways.

Many teachers I know, if not liberal when they started out, end up becoming more “liberal” over time ..... bc we are mostly dealing w kids and it’s hard to stay angry at “the great unwashed” (as my ex refers to them) when you see kids hungry and yet trying their best, right there w you, day after day. Even the 17-18 yr olds I taught- if you ask em why they were sleeping in class, they’ll tell you they just pulled a night shift at the poultry plant or whatever, then came to school exhausted, bc they knew a hs diploma would mean a raise. It’s hard to stay mad at an individual when you know them and their personal situation. 

My take on drs and nurses - limited I know, from the convos w ones I know - is they become detached from the personalities, emotions, and circumstances of individuals, and just focus on the bodies. Categorize the bodies. Move the bodies here or there. Heal the bodies.....”We got a code blue in 207”, or “are you on the cardiac ward?” People get impersonalized into conditions. Too sick to get to know them, in 3 days they’re gone anyways - dead or sent home.

But cops, I think, they see the very worst in humanity, day after day. Even if they start out naive and hopeful, their daily grind changes them over time. I keep trying to figure out why they’re M.O. is “shoot first, ask Q later” and I think some of it is, they’re scared. Adrenalin takes over. They see a lot of death, violence, and only criminality from people. Maybe they are tired, overworked, burned out.  I gotta think, too, though, that their training is poor. That their system, organization, ways of doing things is poorly set up. No one trains them to stay calm, work in small groups, slow down, assess the situation. Why did none of the other cops tell Derek Chauvin to ease up? Were they afraid of him?  Maybe nowadays being a cop as a career draws in a certain kind of person, maybe racists, maybe just aggressive narrow-minded individuals, those who love to exert power over others. Sickos and psychos. All these incidents are white cops killing black people..... Can’t think of a black or brown cop shooting anyone like this, or even each other. (Maybe the news just doesn’t report it? Interesting research topic.) There’s a trope in movies that cops are corrupt and hard to distinguish from criminals. That bad cops manipulate and dominate good ones. Idk if true or not. But you know a cop could choose whether or not to shoot to kill or shoot to maim. That tazers could be designed even further not to be confused w guns. That *something* is going on, not being talked about, in the media, pop culture, about this problem. 

I’m forever shaped by my deep research for a paper in AP Euro history class in high-school, on the Nuremburg trails, esp the IQs and mental health and criminal cruelty of those Nazis who stood trial. Vast work was undertaken at the time, to study this (via inkblot tests, mental health quizzes, one-on-one psychological analyses and more) - across a broad range of humanity. Prison guards and foot soldiers, all the way up to “the final solution” and Third Reich masterminds. 

We say without thinking that stupider people are more vicious and that is true, esp one on one. (I also have experienced that people can be kind, often one on one.) Studies and my own life exp have born this out. I coined a phrase “the tyranny of the 95 IQ” and it has held true throughout my life, w bosses and coworkers, people you come across at the DMV, often the front desk people or gatekeepers at any place..... those just on the low side of avg. They’re the ones that make you jump through senseless hoops, and enjoy it. The ones that tell you: you need another, different form, filled out in triplicate, with this or that signature - and every time you come back at them w whatever they previously told you, now they tell you something else.

Hubs and I experienced this the day I was admitted to the hospital back in Dec .... I was sent to some stand alone place to get an MRI, first, and the form the dr sent over said “URGENT”, not “STAT”. The MRI place refused to admit me bc it didn’t say “STAT” ..... Person at the MRI place front desk said insurance wouldn’t cover it or some fucking bs. (“Can’t you just write ‘STAT’?” I asked. “No, the dr has to write ‘STAT’.”, person said. “Can I write ‘STAT’?” “No, the dr has to write it.” “But the dr didn’t even fill out this form, he had his PA fill it out AND I AM TOO FUCKING SICK TO DRIVE BACK OVER THERE.” ) Sick as I was (I ended up in the ER an hour later - still unclear why I had to jump through this hoop, bc I nearly died that day and later had to be revived, twice), I got on the phone to talk to the dr, while hubs got on the phone to talk to the insurance people - both of us trying to find the solution. We planted ourselves at the front counter, stubbornly refusing to leave, each in a different phone convo, with some very agitated language, I admit. (That MRI place’s admissions gatekeeper’s eyeballs just rolled around and around in her head, like an old cartoon character.) Hubs was going round and round with the insurance people - he kept getting bumped to “let me send you to talk w my supervisor”- click..... but at least discovered that it really all did come down to the wrong word on the paperwork. It took 45-60 min to find anyone who would actually say this. Of course they had no ideas how to remedy it. I got put thru to dr’s PA. Grilled her and went round and round, too - but had to be gentle, non accusatory, to drill down to the real issue.....She didn’t want to admit it, but clearly the mistake was hers. She buckled and refused to admit that she didn’t know that “STAT” was like a medical insurance code word, while “URGENT” had the same idea but was not the code word that would move the patient along.....The PA kept wanting to bump my problem to someone else, but I managed to coax her into refaxing the form w the word “STAT” written just above the word “URGENT”. (“Didn’t we both hear the dr say, “ Write ‘STAT’?” .... yadayadayada “But I need to check with the dr....” Believe it or not, I used a technique I learned from Briana, my shero on “Grace and Frankie” : Meet every objection with the phrase, “Or” instead of “But”.....”I can’t just” yadayada....”Yes, that’s true......Or, what if we just sent the same form again, this time with the word “STAT” written on it? Next to the word “URGENT”.....You don’t even have to redo all the paperwork, just add that one tiny little word.” My P&G sales managers woulda creamed their pants over that one....Bring the customer’s denial into agreement, while avoiding opposition. Seek to turn “you” vs “I”  into “we.”) She did it, and I thought : What happens to all the poor sick folk out there who weren’t captains of the debate team, merit scholars, Dale Carnegie “Best Speech” winners, pre-law majors, salesman of the year, and devoted fans of “Grace and Frankie”? What happens in these situations to average folk too sick to argue? Suddenly 5 min later, I was admitted. And I was waaaaay too sick at the time to have to go thru that kind of bullshit. It was too much bs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXdynLdGzE

So my point is - that’s the kind of mindset of not very bright assholes. You have to let them save face. And I think that is some of what happens w cops.... the ego thing.....(“No fucking ‘n word’ is gonna make me look...... whatever”) and so they can’t back down.

Newbie teachers often get into similar power struggles w students, esp teenage boys, where the teacher responds to whatever provocation w harsher and harsher strictness, rules, consequences.... backing themselves into a corner. Especially w toughs, hoods, gangbangers, vatos, blue and red bandana kids, etc. You gave to let them save face. De-escalate.  I learned eventually to just stare at them, one eyebrow raised, with a wry facial expression that says, humorously, “you’re an idiot, just stop” and to ignore 99% of the little things. 

Someone needs to teach cops the same skill.

A question that requires thoughtful consideration

Question: GFT, I've enjoyed your thoughtful posts over the years, esp. on literary matters.  Thought I'd tee something up to get your thoughts.  You've read about the Dr. Seuss estate ceasing publication of some books b/c of outdated, bigoted depictions of some characters.  For example, drawings and wording around an Asian character in one book.  The estate presumably controls the right to the IP.  If so, why not do a new edition cleaning up the bad parts and republishing the sanitized version?  Is it an "artistic purity" thing?

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/04/books/dr-seuss-books.html

Hhhmmmm.....I have no idea what the members of the Seuss estate who made this choice were thinking, or why. Neither you nor I can influence the individuals involved w the Seuss estate, nor the current tide of PC-ism running through our culture. I hope it’s not due to Dr Seuss’ political cartoons drawn before he wrote children’s books.....Not that they are great, they’re pretty awful actually, they have not withstood the test of time, but must be analyzed in the context of their historical moment. It seems obvious to me that Seuss’ greatest works indicate he moved on to imaginary animals and thus, beyond drawing specific ethnically imagined humans, grew in his personal sensibilities......But the entire issue requires more than just a “sound bite” answer. It is of course ironic that early 20th century books and toys, full of stereotypical depictions of assorted ethnicities spanning the globe, were in themselves an awkward attempt at being pan cultural.....the thought of inclusivity was there - just flawed execution. 

https://www.businessinsider.com/before-dr-seuss-was-famous-he-drew-these-sad-racist-ads-2012-3

Also, Idk what you mean by “artistic purity” thing. (Once you figure that out, let’s find another name for it, bc as you say it, it sounds kinda Nazi-ish.) Do you mean : Changing the author’s original text? Or illustrations? Maybe the editors etc realized that doing so just keeps the dialogue going - on the wrong topics.

https://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2021/03/02/publication-ceases-6-dr-seuss-books-hurtful-wrong-portrayals-minorities/

But here’s what I do know: 

I “get” that these are children’s books, and we want our children to grow up without the racist genderist views of the past. 

I “get” that white privilege makes you and I oblivious to slights others see and feel. (As a woman though, I can share many interesting anecdotes on bs I have had to put up within my own life.) These slights are legit, and should be examined, discussed, and brought into the cultural dialogue as “not okay” any more. We need to use this moment as an opportunity to discuss civilly and teach others about the harm exclusion, stereotyping or over simplification, and hate speech (ideas, illustrations) can bring.

But rather than see a revisionist cancel culture take over, I’d rather see more open dialogue and learning take over. I’m generally against banning any books - even horrible evil wretched ones. Because once you start cancelling one author, artist, book - where does it stop? The vaguely Chinese dancing mushrooms in the 1939 cartoon “Fantasia”? Stereotypical costumed dancers, Russian, Chinese, African and more - in Tchaikovsky’s “Nutcracker”? The Madame Alexander collection of dolls from around the world? The “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland? 

And of course : No one is asking unrealistic images of the female body that cause women to hate their own natural flawed human beauty be removed from pop culture. No one is asking misogynistic novels, movies, video games to be banned.

Three examples as food for thought : 

“Huckleberry Finn”, the 1880’s novel by Mark Twain, contains the “n word”. It is a novel that has always sparked controversy : on one side, for use of the “n word”, on the other side, bc Huck (who’s white daddy is a cruel belligerent abusive drunk) turns to his runaway slave friend Jim as a surrogate father figure, instead. Huck has a chance to turn Jim in as a runaway slave, and doesn’t - and feels bad about it, bc his 1840’s southern USA world has told him that Jim is someone else’s property. So Huck feels bad for doing the “right” wrong thing. It’s a nuanced point that 99% of people on either side of the issue can’t process. So the novel remains controversial bc of its use of the “n word”, bc that is inflammatory and riles people up. They never look beyond that to what Twain is trying to tell us - or even to accepting the historical setting and verisimilitude of the word choice. So a parable, trying to teach us about deeper human relationships, is unacceptable bc of one word. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/07/books/07huck.html?referringSource=articleShare

“Gone With the Wind”, a novel by Margarette Mitchell written in the 1920’s (as the generation of individuals who had lived through the Civil War were dying off), and published in the 1930’s (bc the research took her 10 years to complete), was written by a young southern woman about her grandmother, who lived in Georgia in the 1860’s. MM grew up hearing all her grandmother’s stories, and along with a ton of research about that period in Ga history (Civil War battle specifics, economic forces, train schedules, farming practices, cost of goods, what people ate-wore-did), wrote it all up in a “fictional” memoir. The only thing MM ever intended was to tell her grandmother’s biography. Publication of the novel brought it to the attention, made it a cause celebre of pop cultural forces during the 1930’s Jim Crow era. MGM turned the novel from a tale of how a dozen different female characters survived the Civil War, into a movie about a sexy bitchy she-vixen. Over 2/3 of the novel’s characters / events were cut from the film. Now both book and movie are deemed politically unacceptable - even though Margaret Mitchell took the “n word” out, at her publisher’s request - bc no one ever reads the book any more, only watches the movie - and the movie has characters in it that are stereotypes (even if true to MMs account of her grandmother’s stories.) So personal experiences, white southern people’s memoirs, are unacceptable, bc not currently “woke.” (But Hillbilly Eulogy” is “woke” so it’s ok.) 

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/10/movies/gone-with-the-wind-controversy.html?referringSource=articleShare

What about Steinbeck’s simplistic depiction of lower class caucasian migrant farm workers in “Of Mice and Men”? Conrad’s depiction of natives in “Lord Jim”? Pearl S. Buck’s overly archetypal peasants in “The Good Earth” ? Hemingway’s depiction of nobly suffering Cuban fishermen? Any story where Nazis, Communists, etc are bad guys? Complex analysis and discussion is required for consideration of each of these.

And yet, no one is talking about this at all:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/arts/blackface-american-pop-culture.html?referringSource=articleShare

But the third example is my personal beef du jour: My alma mater, Rice U, was founded by a man who made a fortune on cotton and sugarcane plantations in the 1800’s. Just like so many American universities, from UVA to Brown to UT and more.....the wealth that financially underwrote their creation was achieved via the exploitation of others. Slaves and migrant workers and native Americans whose land was taken, who were worked to death or just killed off in an intentional racial genocide - all suffered a loss as white European men did whatever they did to earn money. Britain and other European nations did it too - out of sight in the colonies. Yes, it’s horrible - akin to the Old Testament story of pharaoh subjugating Moses and the Hebrews, or Nazis exterminating Jews, Poles, gypsies, gays, etc in the Third Reich. But recent student protests at Rice prompted a meltdown on an alumni FB page, with younger alumni wanting a statue of the founder of Rice removed bc he had slaves. Apparently irony impaired, these same people felt it was ok though to continue to enjoy the “white privilege” of a super posh campus, lifestyle, and degree - all available from that money. My point in all this was that merely removing the statue (a special revered feature on campus, one that represents the esprit de corps of its denizens, much like the Statue of Liberty, or the Vietnam Wall) continues to “whitewash” history, literally, and does nothing to make amends or raise awareness for those who were exploited over 150 years ago. Demands to remove Willy’s statue offer a momentary “feel good we achieved something” moment, without bothering to explore the issue at all. What then? Go about yer business of getting an education on a campus, without the troublesome statue to remind you where it all originated? How does that solve anything? Better to turn the statue into a teachable moment, with some additional historical contextual information next to it. 

https://www.houstonpress.com/news/rice-asked-to-remove-statue-of-slave-owner-namesake-11479143

I am sure you did not expect such a long winded answer, but my point is this : None of these issues can be resolved with a sound bite or knee jerk response. To truly move forward, we must preserve the old, so it is never forgotten, and offer tours or paratextual material that explains historical context - Just like touring Auschwitz, or slave auction buildings in the south. So history won’t forget, but will learn from it and grow. 

What are your thoughts on the subject?

How does a mediocre high school principal demonstrate what’s wrong with America? Why is “The Queen’s Gambit” a delightful yet thoughtful exploration of what is needed to truly MAGA? Read to find out

 

The way our leaders in the USA, Texas and local communities, et al have responded to the 2020 Covid pandemic reminds me why we (my Rice University friends and others from high end quality schools) are in fact different, and yes special. Not the faux “everyone is special” bs. Not like Lake Wobegone where every child is above average. We do live in a bubble and the diff is: We were not only intelligent- there were lots of smart lazy kids at my hs who wanted to get in to RU yet didn’t - we did the work. The grind. And the work ethic set us apart. 

When I was teaching I always said : Give me a hard working student over a “smart” one, bc the hard working one will achieve things. The “smart” ones are generally entitled assholes and so are their parents. (“Billy needs to get an A so he can go to Harvard,” they’d tell me at Open House. And I’d think, “Then Billy needs to learn that you don’t get into any college with that attitude.”) 

It’s not glamorous.... Day in day out the hard work - studying, reading, going the extra mile. Self discipline. Building up skills in the process. Asking Q, finding solutions. Willing to risk and to fail.

As a teen, I gave up Thanksgiving ski trips w my fam, starting in 8th grade, to write research papers (always due right before xmas). Off they’d go, parents plus sis left town for Colo, leaving me alone in the house with food money. Age 14, 15 w no adult around to nag me, I’d get up early and catch the bus out front to SMU library, do research all day long, come home in the evening, work more. (My dad was in law school at SMU at the time, so he showed me how to navigate there and back, and how to collect info, org research materials.) Written, 100% my own work: 8th grade paper age 14 “French Utopian Colonies in Texas”. 9th grade paper age 15 “IQ and Cruelty: Analysis of Nuremberg War Crime Trials”. Who tf as a young teenager does that? (It’s a habit I continued throughout college - a sustained week of work on one single project, at Thanksgiving. Got into a groove.) Helicopter parents micromanaging their kids every second, take note. You cannot do it for them. 

Wanna know why/ how I got into Rice? Bc of all the other smart kids out there, a dime a dozen, each with Top Ten GPAs and 1300+ SATs, I won second place IN THE NATION in a Nat’l Latin Club academic competition . (Who won first place? Ronald J. Mann. Look him up. All my life that guy was in my way.) But I didn’t win bc I’m a genius, bc I’m not..... I won bc I read a book. One book. I did the work. 

On a 3 day long bus ride to the nat’l Latin Club competition in Fla, I asked one of the older kids in the group what materials to study for the exam. (We were signed up for the same one.) The girl hands me a reference book and says, this. So while all the other kids on the bus spent those 3 driving days playing cards or making out, she and I moved to a back corner of the bus and alternately read sections of the book to each other, (only had the one copy), and grilled each other on the info. Didn’t even have stuff to make flashcards. Just organized outlines of material, wrote lists, made mnemonics up, memorized shit. You know, stuff you learned how to do in school but most people ignored. Passed the time on the long boring bus ride. We were like that girl in “The Queen’s Gambit”, learning, practicing chess. The “smart boys” ignored or laughed at us. Until they didn’t......

I came in 2nd, my friend came in 3rd. In the nation. 

But this isnt a rant about my awesomeness, bc I’m not. Not even in the same league as other folk I know (and I dated that same Ronald J. Mann my soph yr at RU - he taught me how to study. Really study. And that if you get organized early on, and keep it up, it’s actually less time and effort, than not. And that practicing is part of studying.) .....

......it’s about how most people on this planet are too fucking lazy to just do the fucking work. Any work. Not even hard work. Just do their f-ing jobs. WTF do these people do all day to pass the time? Gov Abbott, tRUMP, the chancellor at our local uni, other leaders. Just a LITTLE bit of organization, analysis, and effort at key points in this whole past year could have saved 100s of thousands of lives. 

You know how my friend, a local middle school principal, spends her days? She walks the halls: greets kids as they come off the bus. Chats w teachers in the halls in-between class periods (where most of the real work of the school gets done - short convos during passing time) . Pops in unannounced on all classes and teachers. Personally mentors new ones screwing up and on probation. Knows the face and circumstances of every single (out of 1000) students in her school. Knows the face and circumstances of every single (out of 200) teachers in her school. Knows who is sick, hungry, is going through a divorce, needs help, car just broke down, or someone to pick up their sick child, or who just did something awesome. Who wants to earn a promotion and works w them on how to use the talent he/she has, so everyone’s happy. Knows where all the campus fuse boxes are, which goes to what, and how to fix them when they blow. Not afraid to crawl into the attic or basement and get dirty to fix it. A hands on approach. (PS She is my hero. See? It’s not all negative about education on this blog.) 

You know how the principal at the hs where I worked spent his days? Hiding in a fucking closet. No lie. An actual, literal real closet. Along w his 2 bff coach buddies.,... once, I had to chase him down for a signature for something. His school secretary said, look here, look there. As I went here and there, others along the way said look over there. I went to his office, the field house, teacher lounge, golfcart shed - all over that huge fucking campus. These people were lying. They knew where he was. It was a wild goose chase to make me go away (I got my 10,000 steps that day.) Finally someone said, if you can find coach “X”, he’ll be with him. 

So I go to coach “X”’s classroom (he didn’t actually teach a class, just ran the school store from there that sold junk food to teenagers), which was dark and empty, and in the back wall, hidden behind pallets of candy chips and soda, there’s a locked door that clearly has a light on inside, which is seeping out from around the edges. I can hear male laughter. I knock on the door several times, say “I’m not going away” and eventually it opens. A thick hazy fart cloud rolls out..... it stung my eyes, was as dense as cigarette smoke- and there in that closet (yes the irony) is my principal, Coach “X”,  and another coach, lolling about on beanbag chairs, eating beef jerky, laughing, farting, having a good ‘ole time. In the middle of a school day morning.

Guess which school has stronger academic results? Lower teacher turnover, higher moral? 

It’s the same with running a country or trying to resolve a pandemic crisis. People just need to do their fucking jobs. Why not pass the time that way, instead of goofing around, hiding from responsibilities? If your job requires you to know about something, you better research it. If your job requires you to be good at something, then practice. Do the work. 

Are you a bitchy mother-in-law?

Do you worry if you might be a bitchy mother-in-law? Fear not, heres a checklist : 

1) Do you have a key to your adult children’s home? Do you invite yourself over several times a week, just pop in, no announcement - especially when they are likely to be fornicating? When your kids have changed the locks, do you go to the neighbors with a sob story about how you were supposed to water their plants, con the kay outta them, and not only allow yourself egress? Have you done this more than once? 

2) Did you hijack your son’s wedding, make impossible demands on every one (re venue, meal, date and time, pre and post wedding activities), start fights, force the bride to cancel her bridesmaids’ hen party, try to make the bride look Vietnamese, personally make her 1 hour late for her own wedding? 

3) Did you call your daughter in law every single morning after the birth of your first grandchild, read her the weather report, then tell her how to dress the baby, and what she should do with it that day? When she was 35 years old and on her second child?

4) Did you con your new daughter in law into, without her knowing what was going on, forging a painting that you were supposed to have turned over to your ex 10 years ago (but have been fighting over, ever since) ? Did you rope her into triangulation over your divorce settlement from a decade ago? 

5) Did you, upon being told not to, sneak around the corner to force feed your grandchild a flan that the dog had peed on? 

6) Did you unload useless household crap on the happy couple (when you yourself lived in a 4000 sq ft , 3 story suburban home while they lived in an 800 sq ft townhouse w 2 kids, 2 dogs ) and then pitch a fit when you invited yourself over, used your key to let yourself in, and the crap you just off-loaded wasn’t there? Did you give them a huge Mary Poppins style pram, when they lived on the second floor with no elevator? 

7) Did you offer to throw them a party - then built a new addition to your house, a whole new wing - then complain you had no $$$ for food, and force a struggling young couple to pay for this party (that they didn’t want in the first place) so you could show off your grandchild to your own friends? Bc you didn’t invite any of theirs?

8) Did you force everyone to eat a roast that you made, after you made a toast and broke a wine glass, which shattered into the cooked meat? 

9) Did you offer to pay your young adult son + his wife $200 to paint the 4th story dormer on your beach house (they were so poor they agreed to do it) and then when they were done, refuse to pay them?

10) Have you ever eaten all of the special ice cream your d-i-l hid, in the back of the freezer, so she could have just one thing for herself - then eaten it again, when your son replaced it? 

Bonus) Do you buy xmas abd bday gifts for your s or d in law? In the 26 years we’ve been married - Hubs’ dad always gave me a gift card to some store I liked. A mensch. My m-i-l, if she gave me anything at all, gave me a “gift w purchase” that she got for buying makeup.

The good news is : I have vowed not to do any of these things to my own children's partners

These are not my feet

Have you ever googled yourself, just to see what turns up? I do, periodically, just to make sure that I have a good idea of what’s “out there” with my name attached to it. (P.S. The stuff on “My Life” is laughably waaaay off. ) There are apparently many, many people in the world who share my name, who are not, in fact, me. I married into a prolific family, lots of folk with similar names - even my former mother-in-law shares my first and last names. My own sister, in an attempt at identity theft, often goes by versions of my name, where she has woven her own name into various confusing iterations that combine our two names into something remarkably similar. (Don’t worry, my poor credit rating protects me from any serious scams! Too many years spent struggling as a child of divorce, a single parent with a deadbeat ex-husband, as a public school teacher married to a grad student, trying to put my kids through college, paying as I went - I’ve been poor my entire life!) That’s all water under the bridge.....but for some reason, this photo, of some other middle-aged plump woman sunning herself, keeps getting attached to my name. Not sure why, or why it bothers me. Not me, or my feet.....I don’t have bunions under the big toes, as this person does, my own knees are covered in scars from various surgeries, I don’t have freckles, my feet aren’t that big (I have the “toes of Venus”), and I would never take a photo of my legs like this and post it online bc it is boring! What, exactly, is the subject here? Sunlight on thighs? Argh!

P.S. I suspect these are the feet of my m-i-l, who has the exact same name as me, and her husband shares my husband’s name. Our credit histories are forever intwined as a result……

PS Below: These are my feet

Rage Against the Machine PT I

My readers may have figured out that I am a teacher by day (and a blogger by night!) and wondered why I haven't spoken up more about what's really going on in education. Truth is, I have - under a pseudonym - because like most teachers, I fear for my job and the havoc it would create in my family were I to lose it. 

However, as I am getting older I am getting bolder. I am close enough to retirement that I am starting to just not worry about it anymore..... And I have seen enough truly horrible situations with colleagues (both good and bad) to realize that the worse they can do is send me to teach at a middle school. (That's what they do in my district when teachers have been "bad", and have "lawyer-ed up", have no connections or administration doesn't like you. If you have connections or they like you, you get promoted!) For the few years I have left till I am gone forever, I think I can tolerate that fate. And I am not really "bad" in the traditional sense: I come to work each day on time. I do not humiliate or ridicule students. I am not a sexual predator. My only sin is being outspoken, and my test scores are damn good. I turn my paperwork in on time. I follow the rules for employees (dress code, grading, etc.) I pass (or at least, don't fail) the requisite number of students. Did you know these are the criteria for being a "good" teacher these days? 

Most importantly, I have been around long enough to know where some of the bodies are buried. As long as no one hassles me, I will keep my mouth shut about who did what. If any of my 19 bosses decides I am a problem for telling the truth about education these days, I am not afraid to spill all - names, dates, places - and I have saved the documentation, over the years, to prove it. Emails, paperwork. Yes I have.

I know all about:

* A school that hired the wife of a friend of the principal, we'll call her Teacher Z, despite Teacher Z having no formal education, experience, or qualifications as a teacher; Z was a former airline stewardess. She kept her job for over 7 years in spite of the fact that she was a drug addict (OxyContin pain pills) who rarely even showed up for work. Even Z used to tell stories about "waking up to find my principal inside my apartment, because the door was left open- principal had come to wake me up and drag me into work for the day." Apparently this happened more than once. Year after year passed and Teacher Z could not pass the certifying test for her profession. Teacher Z's students had dismal test scores, she never turned in lesson plans, she had no furniture in her classroom except beanbag chairs and pillows, and she never put any grades for her students into the online (and view-able by all) computerized grade book. Her supervisor had to invent grades for Z's students out of whole cloth. When Z did show up for work, she let her students roam freely and graffiti the walls so badly the first year she taught that the next year she painted all the walls of her classroom black. Yes, black.

* A school that hired a friend of the principal's, we'll call this person "Teacher Y", as a coach and special education teacher. Teacher Y had no qualifying education, prior experience, or teacher credentials, and administration decided to put the name of a different teacher, Teacher X, (another one on the same campus, one with legit credentials), on every document that contained Teacher Y's name. Teacher X, was put into the computer as the "teacher of record" for all Teacher Y's classes taught, students legally responsible for, paperwork, etc. Every document associated with Teacher Y had Teacher X's name on it, but Teacher Y filled it out, and signed Teacher X's name to it. Anyone who looked carefully enough - an auditor, a payroll clerk, a state accrediting agency - would notice that employee X seemingly taught 2 full jobs - double the classes, double the students, double the subjects, as well as coached, all because Teacher Y had no credentials for the job whatsoever. But no one ever did. Situation went on for years, and may, in fact, still be going on. Teacher X was never notified of any of this but found out accidentally due to an email she was accidentally cc'd on.

* A school hired a friend of the principal's, we'll call this person Teacher Q, who had no education, credentials, or experience to be a teacher. Teacher Q routinely ridiculed and failed too many of his students. He made them sit in a box in his classroom when he decided that they had done something he didn't like. This teacher was promoted to administrator! 

*A school that hires many coaches without any certification, education, or experience teaching whatsoever, and assigns them teaching study hall and similar courses. One guy just mows the grass, for which he is paid $70K a year. 

*A school that hired a friend of the principal's relative as a teacher's aide (all the same work for half the money.) This teacher's aide decided to start a club, which had a show and a fund-raiser, and sold thousands of dollars of raffle tickets for a car donated by a local dealership. Somehow, all the money mysteriously disappeared....all while the Teacher's Aide found Jesus and was telling her co-workers they were going to hell bc they hadn't done the same.

This is but the tip of the iceberg, my friends. However, if you are concerned about the education your children are getting, I urge you to look up your students’ teachers’ qualifications, education, and certifications online. You can check out the teacher certification of anyone in Texas on the TEA website. I am sure it is similar in any state- there is a state licensing board. While certification isn’t the guarantee of a great teacher, at least it is a starting point. It means the teacher passed a basic test, took some college courses. With “No Child Left Behind” laws coming to an end, the rule that teachers must be “highly qualified” (at least certified and have college coursework in the area they are teaching) is coming to an end. Which means the shenanigans will end, and schools will just openly hire whoever they wish and not even try to make them appear to be qualified. 

Fed up with air travel

Listen up, airlines! We are baby boomers; while you may be chasing younger sections of the air travelers market, we are the ones who spend a lot of money on travel. Work or pleasure, we are out there moving around the country. Some of us are at the peak of our careers and travel quite a bit for business. All of us have the time and money now to fly for pleasure when at earlier points of our lives, we did not. Our kids are grown and we want to go on vacation! Visit our grandkids! Travel the world before we get too feeble! Money is no object, and we have more extra time than you think. Time to consider alternatives to the miseries of air travel.

Guess what, airlines? We don’t like how you’ve been running things, and we plan to vote with our wallets. We had a meeting. Here are our demands:

Seriously, a recent vacation spent with a dozen like-minded friends could not bring us together on topics involving politics, religion, cars, shoes, or even where to get the best pizza. But the one thing we all agreed on is that we all hate air travel. We hate it, do you hear? And we are actively searching for alternatives.

You had better heed us, airlines…..oh I know, you think it’s all about you, and your bottom line of profitability. You feel smug in your near-monopoly of the travel market. We’ll see how profitable it will be for you when we start to boycott your services.

1) Stop making those damn seats so small, packed so close together. Even average sized people have no legroom. As we get older, our knees get more stiff and brittle. We just can’t do it, any more. Or if you want, divide your economy cabin into sections, and charge us a small premium for better seats. We will pay $50 to $100 extra, per seat, to have a slightly more spacious experience. For example, on a night flight to Europe, our only options are the $5K tickets in 1^st class, and the $1K tickets in coach. Don’t you understand price points? Can’t you come up with something in the middle?

2) You’d better bring back food – even if you have to charge us $10 more for that $1 rubber chicken you are going to serve us. Going without food makes us cranky, and you won’t like us if we’re cranky. Those crappy sandwiches that cost us $12 aren’t cutting it, either. Look at how many airline customers walk onto a plane these days carrying bags of food- and calculate how that money, spent at airport vendors, could be spent with your airline.

Speaking of airports – we are old, we are tired, we are cranky. We want mini-hotels in airports, like they have in Japan – those cube things. We want to be able to lay down if we are stranded in an airport overnight, or for 7 to 12+ hours, or we need to take a nap. We want a “private type club room” every 5 to 10 gates – we’ll pay for the privilege of admittance- where we can sit in a wide, deep comfy club chair and read or watch tv (using headphones) while someone brings us a drink or a quiet meal. It should look, feel, and smell like an old English gentleman’s club. We want mini-spas where we can get a chair massage or a mani-pedi.

We do not want to sit in a T.G.I.Friday’s, as I did recently at Hartfield Airport in Atlanta, with the music blasting so loud the waiter can’t hear over it to take your order. At this same restaurant, hubster and I watched a dozen wait-persons goof off near the entrance, laughing and slapping each other with menus, while no one came to our table to take our order – till the manager herself had to come do it. We also watched as one of the wait staff dropped my cheeseburger on the floor en route to our table, and watched as this person picked it up and put it back on the bun, before bringing it to our table.(Yes, we sent it back. Took an hour to get another, it arrived cold, and was looked suspiciously like the same piece of meat as the one on the floor.) I will never eat at a T.G.I. Fridays again. I am not sure I will ever eat at Hartfield Airport again.

When we are bored, or have extra time, or even if we are pressed for time , we want to shop at airports for the things we forgot to pack, lost en route, or had to give up to pass security. Why can’t there be a business every 5-10 gates that has easy access, quick in and check-out and sells bottled water, tasty hot meals packaged to go, small hand lotion, a traveler’s neck pillow, a small warm fuzzy blanket, chapstick, etc? Don’t everybody write me emails and tell me about the shops that do sell this stuff – I have been in every major airport in the USA and Europe, and I know there are clusters of these shops at some gates but not others. I also know I have spent many 30 hour “days” connecting from one airport to another- running to catch a flight because the previous one was delayed – and in those dire moments you can never find the kind of shop you need at the gates you are passing. It is one of those fundamental laws of the universe, like if you wear a non-waterproof outfit, it will rain.

Why can’t American airports sell tasty healthy food ? A recent pass through Heathrow found quick offerings that were kosher, halal, vegetarian, from Asia, the Mediterranean – all over the world. I sampled several going west to east and a few more passing back east to west. They were delightful.

“If you build it, they will come.”

As I stated at the beginning of this piece- we are fed up. We are seriously looking into around the world cruises and train travel because air travel has become so hellish. That’s a lot of money airline companies are missing out on.

Rumpelstiltskin pt II

al·lu·sion

əˈlo͞oZHən/

noun

1. an expression designed to call something to mind without mentioning it explicitly; an indirect or passing reference.

   "an allusion to Shakespeare"

   synonyms:

   reference to, mention of, suggestion of, hint to, intimation of, comment on, remark on "the town's name is an allusion to its founding family"

   • the practice of making allusions, especially as an artistic device.

   
   

There’s another version of “Rumplestiltskin” going on these days……teachers are increasingly being asked to spin “straw” (in this case, new generations of students who come up through the grades, each year less prepared than the previous), into “gold” (standardized test-passers, prepared for college) with increasingly “fewer amounts of straw” (schools, classrooms, textbooks, computers, money, materials, as well as support from students, parents, administrators, communities, and the state legislature), in ever increasing amounts (wanting higher testing results, greater outcomes for more students with fewer resources/dollars spent on education). Everything that goes wrong with schools, students, grades, or outcomes is blamed on teachers – never on students, parents, administrators, communities, or state legislatures, or the testing climate, the wrong goals, lack of vision, lack of rules, lack of educational materials.

Parents: This is not a “dis” on your child. This is a “dis” on our educational system. Let me explain:

I’m a baby-boomer. I grew up in American public schools in the 1960’s and 70’s. I was fortunate enough to attend a local public suburban high school that regularly had 20-50 merit scholars per school year. (One of the few ways we have of comparing “apples” to “apples” across the many various schools in this greatly varied nation of ours.) We didn’t have standardized tests back then to track our skills (or those of our teachers), and yet: Reading levels were higher.  Kids who were not in “honors” or AP courses, even teenage boys, regularly read complex novels such as Fahrenheit 451, Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy, or Catch-22 , often for pleasure, and understood them. More students were able to competently solve complex math equations at higher levels than students are today, even when fewer years of math courses were required to graduate. More subject material was taught in each math course. SAT scores were higher, and no one took prep or cram classes. And yet, we were not a wealthy school district. We were middle and low-middle class. Why did learning excel here? A huge fraction of students from my high school, including myself and my friends,  not only went to college, but to superior “Top Ten” sort of private, Ivy League and equivalent, colleges.

Don’t think I am a teacher who complains because I, personally, can’t make the grade; that my own test scores and results are low. They are not. I not only make the grade and then some, my campus regularly fill my classes with re-testers ( kids who did not pass the first round), because they know I can get them up to passing . My own student scores surpass campus, district, and state levels by 11-75% every single year, even the re-testers. You know why? I don’t use the so-called “test-prep materials” provided for me by the state. I teach the basics. The same stuff I have been teaching for nearly 30 years.  The same stuff I learned in school : writing, grammar, reading, vocabulary.

How many of you, if you could afford it, would send your kid to private or parochial school? Everyone knows what a great job they do educating our children, instilling discipline, self-respect, knowledge.  I have taught in some of the most exclusive private and parochial schools around, and I know what they do, and how they do it, that produces such wonderful outcomes. I also know that there is little “magic” to their formula: they teach the basics. Kids are disciplined appropriately for their behaviors; the environment is peaceful and pleasant and feels safe. How can we replicate that in our public schools?

If we could do anything we wished to improve education, if money were no object, we would have students in smaller, more personalized schools. Just like a small private school. Students, parents, teachers, administrators, and the community would be held accountable for their behaviors. Professionalism would be the expectation for employees; respect from the students. Whether you chose uniforms or a dress code, rules would be enforced. Kids would be fed nutritious well-like meals and have enriching extra-curricular activities. Their souls and minds would be nurtured. Doesn’t it all sound lovely?

I’m not saying that the school where I teach, or others around the country, don’t provide this. But I do know that the school districts in Texas have filed a class action lawsuit against the state legislature for not providing adequate funding for schools, which means staffing, textbooks, buildings, desks- everything you can think of that costs money -while simultaneously increasing demands. How do you feel at your job, when the boss says to make more widgets in half the amount of time, with fewer widget-makers? To raise sales results with fewer clients/customers?  To raise safety standards with fewer employees, rules that are not enforced, old, broken or missing equipment? I do know that I teach 38 kids in a classroom with only enough room for 25 desks, and I have to hold class in the hall frequently because we can’t all fit into the room. Kids regularly sit at my desk when there aren’t enough seats. Students share textbooks every day because we don’t have enough. We have two computer labs and one cafeteria to serve the needs of 2500 students. (My own high school, while growing up, had two cafeterias for this number of kids; and longer lunch periods. The twenty minutes our kids het is not enough time to get down there, stand in the long lines, and eat.) Like every teacher in America, I buy supplies for kids who don’t have any; I feed kids a snack at lunch who don’t have one; I drive kids home who are still at school at 7 pm when I sometimes stay late to grade papers or write lesson plans. I do know that teachers are often hired, regardless of their certification or experience, because of who they know or are married to. I do know that there is no supervision of new teachers beyond one 45 minute observation, once a year.

Most teachers at my school have given up on collecting cell phones – because parents call and complain and demand that kids get their phones back – often all within 10 or 15 minutes of the teacher picking it up. Most teachers at my school have given up on handing our detentions for rude behaviors, foul language, bullying, vandalism, dress code violations, tardies, gum, or any number of things, because if administration tries to impose consequences such as detentions, parents complain and fight them – loudly, and on the internet. The administrators at my school spend their days braking up fights and walking around checking lockers with the drug-sniffing dog. I know that when a student says I have” lost his paper” (and it is never the “A” student who attends class every day, is responsible, and turns his work in on time who claims this, it is always the barely passing student who is frequently absent and who never turns his work in on time who says that this has happened), parents and administration believe the student, first, and I who have been teaching nearly 30 years and have a sign-in system for tracking every single paper and have somehow managed to do this all these years, I am the one who has to justify and explain and “prove” myself.

When I first started teaching, years ago, my fellow teachers and I each taught 4 periods out of a 6 period day. Because we had an extra load of grading (all those essays), English teachers got an extra conference period to grade papers. Teachers of other subjects taught 5 periods a day, with one conference block to grade. (Now those extra blocks are given to coaches.) Teachers each had two “preps” (different subjects we taught). Now I teach 8 periods out of a 10 period “day”, and next year it is going to 9/10. In recent years, I have taught 4 different “preps” (short for the number of different subjects one must prepare lesson plans for on a daily basis). Some of the blocks I teach are 90 minutes long, some are 50 minutes long, some meet daily, some meet only twice a week - which makes it a challenge to keep classes together and up to date, cover everything uniformly, and fully. “That’s how they do it in college”, you say. Keep in mind, a full teaching load for professors is one or two classes per semester. (I know, bc my husband is a college prof.) A full teaching load for teachers at my school is 8. Soon to be 9.

When I first started teaching, my classes had 15-25 students in each. Nowadays, my middle-class suburban high school has 25-35+ per class, and we are told that next year we will have more.

Did you know that in Texas, we spend 1/3 of the school year in testing mode? That means some group or other is taking a standardized test, and since all teachers are called in to proctor these exams, regular classes are suspended/ moved/ not held. Often kids are rounded up, sent to the gym to watch a movie, supervised by a coach. This starts in March and goes most days till the end of the school year. This means as teachers, we have 2/3 of a school year to teach your child and show a year’s worth of improvement. It means your child is wasting 1/3 of his educational years either taking a standardized test, or sitting around waiting for those who are, while doing something worthless, and not learning.

Our school board thinks this is all great, because it saves costs. But at what human cost? Ignore the fact that this is creating stress on teachers, which increases the use of sick days, which costs districts more money and lowers outcomes. As a parent, you may not realize that when teachers are pushed to these limits, it is the children who suffer. Can I give your child the individual attention she or he needs? I wish I could, but I am sorry to say I cannot. I do know that a huge cohort of baby-boomer teachers are retiring this year. Soon, I will join them. Sure, every generation thinks they are the preserver of knowledge and skill, even as they give way to the next. But I am old enough, and fortunate enough, to have had a great education, myself. And I have finally, after all these years, learned how to teach and what to teach. I still care about the kids – just not the system. 

Rumpelstiltskin, pt I

Rumpelstiltskin by the Brothers Grimm

     Once there was a miller who was poor, but who had a beautiful daughter. Now it happened that he had to go and speak to the king, and in order to make himself appear important he said to him, "I have a daughter who can spin straw into gold."

     The king said to the miller, "That is an art which pleases me well, if your daughter is as clever as you say, bring her to-morrow to my palace, and I will put her to the test." And when the girl was brought to him he took her into a room which was quite full of straw, gave her a spinning-wheel and a reel, and said, "Now set to work, and if by to-morrow morning early you have not spun this straw into gold during the night, you must die."

     Thereupon he himself locked up the room, and left her in it alone. So there sat the poor miller's daughter, and for the life of her could not tell what to do, she had no idea how straw could be spun into gold, and she grew more and more frightened, until at last she began to weep. But all at once the door opened, and in came a little man, and said, "Good evening, mistress miller, why are you crying so?"

     "Alas," answered the girl, "I have to spin straw into gold, and I do not know how to do it."

     "What will you give me," said the manikin, "if I do it for you?"

     "My necklace," said the girl.

     The little man took the necklace, seated himself in front of the wheel, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three turns, and the reel was full, then he put another on, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three times round, and the second was full too. And so it went on until the morning, when all the straw was spun, and all the reels were full of gold.

     By daybreak the king was already there, and when he saw the gold he was astonished and delighted, but his heart became only more greedy. He had the miller's daughter taken into another room full of straw, which was much larger, and commanded her to spin that also in one night if she valued her life. The girl knew not how to help herself, and was crying, when the door opened again, and the little man appeared, and said, "What will you give me if I spin that straw into gold for you?"

     "The ring on my finger," answered the girl.

     The little man took the ring, again began to turn the wheel, and by morning had spun all the straw into glittering gold.

     The king rejoiced beyond measure at the sight, but still he had not gold enough, and he had the miller's daughter taken into a still larger room full of straw, and said, "You must spin this, too, in the course of this night, but if you succeed, you shall be my wife." Even if she be a miller's daughter, thought he, I could not find a richer wife in the whole world. When the girl was alone the manikin came again for the third time, and said, "What will you give me if I spin the straw for you this time also?"

     "I have nothing left that I could give," answered the girl.

     "Then promise me, if you should become queen, to give me your first child."

     Who knows whether that will ever happen, thought the miller's daughter, and, not knowing how else to help herself in this strait, she promised the manikin what he wanted, and for that he once more spun the straw into gold. And when the king came in the morning, and found all as he had wished, he took her in marriage, and the pretty miller's daughter became a queen. A year after, she brought a beautiful child into the world, and she never gave a thought to the manikin. But suddenly he came into her room, and said, "Now give me what you promised." The queen was horror-struck, and offered the manikin all the riches of the kingdom if he would leave her the child. But the manikin said, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world." Then the queen began to lament and cry, so that the manikin pitied her.

     "I will give you three days, time," said he, "if by that time you find out my name, then shall you keep your child."

     So the queen thought the whole night of all the names that she had ever heard, and she sent a messenger over the country to inquire, far and wide, for any other names that there might be. When the manikin came the next day, she began with Caspar, Melchior, Balthazar, and said all the names she knew, one after another, but to everyone the little man said, "That is not my name."

     On the second day she had inquiries made in the neighborhood as to the names of the people there, and she repeated to the manikin the most uncommon and curious. Perhaps your name is Shortribs, or Sheepshanks, or Laceleg, but he always answered, "That is not my name."

     On the third day the messenger came back again, and said, "I have not been able to find a single new name, but as I came to a high mountain at the end of the forest, where the fox and the hare bid each other good night, there I saw a little house, and before the house a fire was burning, and round about the fire quite a ridiculous little man was jumping, he hopped upon one leg, and shouted -

     'To-day I bake, to-morrow brew, the next I'll have the young queen's child. Ha, glad am I that no one knew that Rumpelstiltskin I am styled.'" You may imagine how glad the queen was when she heard the name. And when soon afterwards the little man came in, and asked, "Now, mistress queen, what is my name?"

     At first she said, "Is your name Conrad?"

     "No."

     "Is your name Harry?"

     "No."

     "Perhaps your name is Rumpelstiltskin?"

     "The devil has told you that! The devil has told you that," cried the little man, and in his anger he plunged his right foot so deep into the earth that his whole leg went in, and then in rage he pulled at his left leg so hard with both hands that he tore himself in two.

All Hat and No Cattle

In the old days, when the economy of Texas was largely based on ranching and oil, saying that a man was “all hat and no cattle” was an insult. It meant that whatever persona he projected was a false pretense, an image that tried to fake its money and status, and thus, who he really was. To be “all hat” meant this person went out and bought the biggest cowboy hat he could find and wore it to try to look (what he thought) was the part of an old-time “real” Texan. Initially this terminology applied just to social climbers and “new money” oil men ( v.s. “old money” ranchers), but later, to anyone who was perceived as fake : politicians, Yankees recently moved here, con men, hustlers, card sharks, and bounders. The “no cattle” part meant, originally, that you (and/or your family) had no ranch – no cattle, no land, no actual substantial holdings of capitol (land, livestock, buildings), and by implication, no family heritage going back generations, and no class. It meant you were a “johhny come lately” and a bounder. This expression was a deep insult if applied to you. Ironically, politicians just LOVE to put on cowboy hats whenever they come to Texas, no matter how ridiculous it makes them look. The natives would rather they didn’t. It doesn’t give them “cred”.

Above: Various American politicians wearing cowboy hats. Some look worse than others. Below, two actual Texans, both famous actors, also wearing cowboy hats:

There is a new kind of “all hat no cattle” springing up on the Texas prairies today…..the mini McMansion. “Mini” because in spite of its tall imposing entrance and overall grande pompous facade, it is actually not that big of a house, comparatively speaking. “McMansion”, because like the restaurant chain McDonald’s, these homes are everywhere, plentiful and cheap (thus defying the notion, in America at least, of a “mansion” as something expensive, rare, genteel, and notable.) Newcomers (“no cattle”) are lured into buying these homes by the notion of upper middle-class gentility that rows upon rows of these homes would seem to suggest to those who don’t know any better. Full of what is called “lipstick” (“all hat”) in the housing trade (granite counter tops, two story entrance halls, master bathrooms with spa tubs), in actuality these homes are often hastily built of shoddy materials from China (drywall that crumbles due to being made of chalk, fake ”wood” laminate floors that leach toxic levels of formaldehyde, etc). Other than the master bedroom and bath, the rooms are tiny: children’s rooms that are 8 x 10 feet, dining rooms, if this house has one at all, that are the same small size. No separate living and den, only one large living area. No eat in kitchen. Often, the front lawns are only 8x10 ft as well, mere vestiges of the idea of a lawn. I’m not against sustainable, smaller homes- in fact, I am strongly for them. Anything that re-purposes old buildings, is environmentally-friendly, lets us stop wasting water on keeping a grass lawn green , mixed-use urban development – that’s what I am for. I just think the pretentiousness of these homes is hysterical. But by all means, newcomers, keep moving into them. Leave the better built older homes in stately neighborhoods for those who know.