How to Attend a Wedding as a Guest

I know you know all this, but a few reminders. It is not enough to show up, you must also participate. Here’s how: 

1) You shall wear a suit and tie and nice shoes, trim your hair and beard before you go. Trim your nails, wear your best underwear. You want to look sharp, successful, and smell good bc weddings are the best places to meet people, especially potential dates/ girlfriends. I know you will be polite, handsome, and charming. Dance with old ugly ladies, too. At least offer to fetch them something to eat.

2) If you have not rsvp’d to whoever sent you the invite, do so NOW. Phone call, rsvp card, email or text. Do it. They need to know BEFORE THE WEDDING how many people will be there, so they can confirm w the caterer how many plates of food will be planned for / charged to them. If no one rsvp’s but everyone shows up, it’s a disaster - not enough food. 

3) You shall bring a wedding gift that cost over $50 (Texas prices; East and West Coasts start at $100.). No exceptions. Price of admission. $50-100 is the expected price range if you don't want others to think you are a dbag. Trust me, the bride (and her friends and family) will talk about this, as well as who wore what, who was with whom, and who behaved or didn't. Your ability to follow social conventions here will determine whether you pass or fail, in terms of being admired or laughed at, invited to future other friends’ weddings/ social events, and generally considered a contender, as a man, socially. Through one’s ‘20’s, weddings become a huge part of one’s social life. The cost, and the good taste of your wedding gift sets the tone of what others will think of you.....are you white trash? Country? A hillbilly? Or are you a civilized man who sets an example? A potential good provider, desirable? You decide how others perceive you. Always better to err on the side of too much than too little.

The typical thing before buying the wedding gift is to ask someone, before the wedding weekend - ask any friends you have who are also going, female friends probably know more about this than the guys- “Where are they registered?” Typically, the bride and groom “register” a list of gift items they want to set up house -  the only time in life it is truly acceptable to do so-  at several places around town. Back in my day, it was crystal, china, and silver at a dept store like Macy’s. Nowadays, it’s more likely to be blenders, dishes, toasters etc at Target . If a friend says, “Macy's, Ikea, Crate and Barrel, and Target”, you either go online and find “wedding registries” (usually stored by name of bride and groom) at one or more of these stores, or physically walk in the store, go to customer service, and ask. Note: You don't have to buy the item there, if you can find it elsewhere for less. However, you must buy the exact item they have requested, no substitutions. 

They most likely have already had several wedding “showers”, typically small lunch or afternoon parties w cake and more gifts. (Not to be confused w bachelorette parties, which include the bridesmaids and younger friends, and involve drunken revelry.) The showers will include older female relatives as well as younger, be during the daytime, and sedate. Brides get very excited about all this. The difference between a shower gift and a wedding gift is not only price, but seriousness and good taste. Shower gifts range from small items like pot holders, kitchen utensils and measuring cups to gag items like sex toys. If you have not been invited to any of the showers, don't worry about this. Showers are often given days and weeks before the wedding, and involve mostly female relatives and friends, and small or silly gifts. 

You must still bring a wedding gift, in the $50-100 cost range, whether you were also invited to a shower, or not. You will leave it in your locked car for the wedding itself. You will walk in to the reception (the party, after the wedding), with the gift, and ask a bridesmaid, groomsman, greeter, or any old lady, “Where are we putting wedding gifts?” before you sit down, greet friends, eat, drink or do anything else. 

After you have purchased your wedding gift item, you absolutely must wrap it in wedding style wrapping paper, with a bow and a card. No exceptions. So plan on also purchasing beforehand: a roll of wedding wrapping paper. Go to the greeting cards/ wrapping paper section of the store, and find something that is not Christmas, Valentines, Birthday or Baby Shower wrapping paper- this is in the category of advanced, as you must look at the designs here, and choose. Baby shower stuff is in pastels w animal pix, birthday paper will be in bright colors, etc. Wedding wrap is often white, silver, or gold. The more minimal the design, the better. You also need  ribbon and a pre-made bow and a card. You will be judged if you do not. Go to Target to do all this - another $10. An easy classic color combo would be white wrapping paper with ribbon and bow in another color- anything but black. The card is essential - tape it on strongly- bc later, after the wedding, the bride will write thank you notes, and she needs the card to tell her who gave her what. This is where the gossip mill spreads around who gave an acceptable gift, and who did not. If you ever want to be invited to future friends’ weddings, or hook up w the bride and groom's friends socially in the future, don't cheap out. Everyone will know.

https://blog.thepaperpackage.co.nz/2012/02/21/how-to-choose-and-wrap-a-wedding-gift/

Ok, lets say you can’t find where they are registered or you are too lazy, and want to give cash or a gift card. YOU MUST SPEND MORE ON CASH OR A GIFT CARD THAN YOU WOULD ON A GIFT. $75 is the minimum here. $100 is better.

If you decide that you need an all purpose tasteful wedding gift, can't track down the registry, or don't know what to buy, here are your best options: crystal bowls, silver candlesticks, high end cookwear like caphalon or le crueset. Buy one large skillet or a griddle or a dutch oven. Ask for a “gift receipt” (a receipt that does not show the price) when you buy it, and include it with the gift when you wrap it. This way, if the bride hates it, she can exchange it. But no matter what you do, she’s gonna know how much you spent. Stick to $50 minimum.

When dad and I got married, I did not register (long story, I was just coming off my divorce and felt it was in poor taste.) All my friends knew that.....but all of dad’s friends did not. They were determined to give us nice gifts, bc over the years, dad had given them nice gifts for their weddings. It is part of the civilized social exchange under which we live. So instead of the china pattern place settings people typically receive for wedding presents, we ended up with a ton of crystal bowls, silver candlesticks, vases, etc. Even my students at the time gave me gifts. The gifts we liked the most and used the most were the caphalon cooking pan set and a set of high end kitchen knives. We also received tons of random stuff from Crate and Barrel and the Waterford-Wedgwood store. When I need to buy a wedding gift, if I do not know the couple and what they want/where they are registered, I give them a beautiful large crystal serving bowl. When friends have a house-warming party (similar to a non wedding gift occasion) , I give a Le Crueset dutch oven in their favorite color.

Most of all, have fun! Be charming to the old ladies, yes, they are judging you.